Curse

{integral} · Jan 28, 2006, 11:05 AM // 11:05

The following is a punishment essay given to my class for talking during an English lesson. It explains how GCSE English stops me getting mugged, allows me to live in a shed, and also explains how the essay itself forces me to become a tramp.

An Essay On Why GCSE English is important, and why this Essay will force me to become a Tramp.

GCSE English is important for a number of reasons, some which will affect me, ans some which will not. I will outline the reasons which will affect me, and go on to explain a reason which will not.
Firstly, I will need GCSE English in order to obtain a relatively good job - an English teacher, for example. English teachers need to have a degree in English. In order to get a degree in English, you need A-Level English, and in order to get A-Level English, you need GCSE English. Now, in order to get GCSE English, you need to, among other things, learn the analyses of 46 poems, some of which are sonnets. I will not, however, need to learn how to write essays on the importance of GCSE English. Therefore, writing this essay is stopping me from getting a good job, as I ought to be analysing a sonnet at this moment in time. The lack of a good job is something I do not wish to have, as many people who lack good jobs are tramps. ‘Tramp‘ is the colloquial term for a person of no fixed abode. If you have been following the astounding logic that is this essay, you will now have realised that this essay, and the writing thereof, is forcing me to become a tramp. This is one reason why GCSE English is important.
Another reason why GCSE English is important is that if nobody took it, the world would slowly descend into one of slurred speech, poor pronunciation and general rubbishness. If you have ever taken a leisurely stroll down Haselbury Road at 4pm on a weekday, you will be able to view this transformation in action. You will see groups of hooded youths accompanied by BMX bicycles sitting on garden walls that do not belong to them, milking poor, innocent Latymerians out of their chosen forms of communication with a series of low grunts combined with knives and threats. If these hooded youths had done (and passed) their GCSE English exam, I am sure that instead of lurking around waiting for me to come along, they too would be writing essays on the importance of GCSE English, whilst discussing the finer points of metaphysical ethics with a combination of perfect grammar, pronunciation and enunciation. I hope you will agree that the world would be a more beautiful place if this were so. To sum up, GCSE English stops people getting mugged by insolent teenagers.
I will now show how GCSE English will let you live a life of peaceful solitude in a garden shed, and how the aforesaid life will make you rich.
Roald Dahl was a famous children’s writer. He produced glorious works such as ‘The Witches’, ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ and ‘Esio Trot’. Obviously, to be a famous English writer, you need to have GCSE English, or you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a Shakespearean and a Petrarchan sonnet, know your similes from your metaphors, or find a rhyme for ‘orange’, ’silver’, or ‘purple’. Now, if you are so inclined, you can become an author just like Roald Dahl. If you are successful like Roald Dahl, your books will beocme world renowned and possibly made into a film. As you probably already didn’t know, Roald Dahl wrote his books in his garden shed - somewhere that was peaceful and solitary. Roald Dahl was also rather rich by the time of his death in 1990. If you obtain a GCSE in English, you too can live in a shed writing books and becoming very rich by the time of you death in 1990.
To conclude, GCSE English is important if you want to obtain a good job, avoid being mugged by hooded youths, or want to live in a shed earning lots of money. I have also shown that this essay is stopping me from getting my GCSE in English by halting the learning of 46 analyses of 46 poems, and will therefore limit my career options to either tramp or drifter.
By George.

Pyrrhus · Jan 28, 2006, 01:11 PM // 13:11

The problem with this is that even though I have my GCSE in English it isn't that much use unless you plan your future around English. I once liked English until i started English Literature A-level (which i failed

). It must have been the huge amount of not doing enough work because the "novel" (if you can call it that) was the "prize-winning" 'The Color Purple' by Alice Walker, which is filled with hatred for white people and men so it's therefore not very inspiring. It hasn't stopped my future at all as I now have just a few months and a few exams and them I'm going to University to study my life long love of Classical Civilisation (i apologise for insane rambling). GCSE English does not stop you getting mugged. Here's an example: I'm (an 18 year old with long hair wearing a leather jacket) walking in my neighbourhood filled with hooded youths and I have to pray I don't get seen otherwise I'll get shot by an air rifle by some idiot. It doen't really help if when confronted by the low of soceity to have correct pronounciation it only helps you get beaten.
I do know, however, what will stop being attacked by insolent youths. Sacrifice alot to Zeus and all the gods. Then the gods, seeing you're a just person, will protect you.

Divinitys Creature · Jan 31, 2006, 01:12 AM // 01:12

English GCSE will give you a greater understanding of launguage and communication in general. It will give you tools to express yourself in different ways and help you understand direct and indirect meanings in what others say and write. This will help in many careers not just those that revolve around English like being an English teacher. There's a lot more that could be said about this, but I think you have your first draft of your essay done!

darkMishkin · Jan 31, 2006, 01:27 AM // 01:27

I look back at GCSE's and realise: Ye, it was a pain, but it was pretty damn fun at the same time. And writing stuff like that, you're obviously getting some enjoyment out of it too. If you actually give that in, and your teacher sends you out of the classroom for a while, know that she probably enjoyed reading it even if she can't say so.

At least that's if you had a good English teacher like me.